safety

It was International Women’s Day last week, which I normally never celebrate because I do think I am privileged. This year I celebrated with a cervical screening at my doctor’s office and a date later that night. I am at high risk for breast and other cancers and take my responsibilities seriously. My doctor said she was celebrating by taking care of women, and nothing could be more important.

In the last 6 weeks I have seen the same person 5 times, having felt at first nothing but curiosity, and then a surprising spark. Today he said I’m friend-zoned because the reality of life set in. I don’t really understand but the irony of it was not lost on me. We saw each other on a Tuesday night. I recently had to come off the pill as I approach 50 and had switched to an IUD on the day of our second date. My hormonal changes have been unpleasant but I have kept those to myself. After chaining together birth control packs for 3+ years to avoid having a period, my period started on Tuesday. Tuesday we talked about general frustrations he was experiencing in life. I listened enjoying the discovery of what kind of person he is in those challenging situations. He said a few times that he should compartmentalise and push out those things to enjoy our time together. I don’t think that’s realistic (for me) and just let him talk. I had a pleasant time. I felt safe. I went home smiling.

For me, to really let someone in, I need to feel safe. When I was young, I threw myself in head first to everything I did. By now, I’ve been hurt enough times to know that holding back a little will spare my feelings. I’ve friend-zoned other people and have been ghosted by men whom I presume met someone more exciting. I come across as very open, but I need a little time to get my bearings and to be vulnerable. On Tuesday I thought, ok maybe now I can open up. And today he has lost the spark.

I’ll be banging my head on the wall if you need me.